Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i love accidental penises.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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