dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
