last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
