Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
