I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
