3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
