Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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