Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
