somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
