I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
