then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
