At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
