someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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