I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
