Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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