and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
