They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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