Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
