I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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