if only i could text you this smell
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
