if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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