Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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