I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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