She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
