I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
