ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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