You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
