Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
