I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
