I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i already hear my dad disowning me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
