You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
