I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
