Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
