he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
