We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
