i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
