capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
