My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
