Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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