I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
