I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
