did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
