Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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