My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
