I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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