guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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