Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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