I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
