I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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