You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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