hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
